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Dirty tricks at court

TheCreep was fuming as he arrived back into chambers today. “I don’t believe it,” he said. “I thought I’d joined an honourable profession but today I seriously began to doubt that that was the case.”

“Honourable? Lawyers?” said OldSmoothie. “Greedy, tricky, maybe. But honourable, really?”

“Has someone been bullying you again MrCweepyWeepy,” teased TheVamp.

“It was a downright dirty trick, that’s what it was,” he replied. “There’s just no excuse for such underhand tactics.”

“What dirty deed did he do?” asked one of the pupils, wide-eyed and eager to learn.

“He hung my wig on a hook which was just out of reach for me to grab it back,” came the reply.

“Can’t have been that high then,” said OldSmoothie as the rest of the room tried to suppress a smile at the thought of TheCreep jumping up and down trying in vain to reach his wig.

“Well, it happened just after I arrived at court and meant that by the time I’d found a security guard to help me retrieve it, I only had a few minutes to chat to my client.”

“Dastardly,” said HeadofChambers with a smile.

“My worst one was when my opponent or his solicitor called HeadClerk to tell him the hearing was to be in a different court,” said BusyBody. “Couldn’t prove a thing but by the time I finally arrived at the correct court, I was so flustered I could hardly gather together my papers, never mind an argument.”

“My opponent accidentally on purpose spilled water all over my carefully written notes the other day just when I was starting to get into my flow,” said Teflon. “He pretended it was an accident but we both knew it was because he was on a no win no fee and would do anything to ensure victory.”

“Tell me about it,” said Teflon looking pointedly at TheVamp. “I once had an opponent in the same position who said she’d go out on a date with me if I settled the case in her favour.”

“Suggesting we go for a drink hardly counts as a date,” she protested.

“So I discovered,” said Teflon.

“That’s nothing compared to some of the tricks SlipperySlope gets up to,” said TheBusker. “He’s not only tried hypnotising the judge but has no qualms whatsoever in slipping a few laxatives into the drink of the other side’s barrister. Never fails, he says.”

“I’ve heard that he invariably sends the bundles of papers to the other side with at least one or two key witness statements missing and then just blames the company to whom he supposedly outsources photocopying,” said UpTights.

“I have a friend who thinks it’s particularly funny to add false witness statements to the trial bundles of people in his chambers. Just for fun,” said BusyBody.

“Yes, I think I’ve been against one or two of his victims,” smiled TheBusker.

“So, count yourself lucky,” said OldSmoothie to TheCreep. “It seems you got off very lightly in the grand scheme of our honourable profession.”

BabyBarista is a fictional account of a junior barrister written by Tim Kevan whose new novel is Law and Peace. For more information and to read past posts visit Cartoons by Alex Williams, author of 101 Ways to Leave the Law.

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